![]() It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I still live with this stuff every day. She thinks it was because of increased self-examination and the subsequent emotions she experienced. ![]() Ms McMullen didn't regularly self harm before her diagnosis, but the behaviour increased afterwards. "For the first time, I really felt like I could see my way through the obstacles, and that there was a clear path of treatment ahead of me."īut her journey began feeling harder and harder as it went along. "It was like I'd been spending my years in a darkened room bumping into things, and once he identified that this was perhaps the specific struggle I was having, it was like the lights came on," she said. "When you get given a diagnosis, it's sort a double-edged sword in that you can look at it as though it's a label and there's something wrong with me, or you can look at it as a beacon of hope in that maybe you'll be getting the right treatment."ĭespite the diagnostic process being confusing and stressful, Ms McMullen said it was affirming when the psychologist asked her questions about her symptoms. "It was as though this sense of calm and ultimate, radical acceptance had come over me," she said. Three-and-a-half years ago, Ms McMullen was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.Īfter suffering through a major low, she vividly remembers the day she sought help at Newcastle's Mater Hospital. "By someone saying to me, 'This is normal everyone has this', the next thought that came in my mind was, 'Well why the hell am I struggling so much?'" Diagnosis turns on the light what it actually ended up doing in this really counter-intuitive way was sort of invalidate my intense experience," she said. "Even though people were being kind in saying those things. It was suffocating, frightening and debilitating. ![]() People would re-assure her that it was 'normal' to feel insecure or to have ups and downs in relationships. I've looked at death in the eyes many times and decided not to go there. Ms McMullen experienced intense emotions, and would dive head-first into relationships. "I got around hating myself, and needed to put on this face to the rest of the world that I was competent, capable and confident, but really underneath, I would be feeling that I didn't belong, and feeling that there was something deeply, fundamentally wrong with who I am. I would take things really personally, not in an egotistical way, but in a self-damning way," she said. ![]() I would experience rejection really viscerally. "Every day was just this huge emotional rollercoaster. Ms McMullen was initially diagnosed with a range of mental illnesses, including depression, anxiety and bipolar. ![]() To be diagnosed, people have to meet at least five of nine criteria.Ībout 1 to 2 per cent of the population has the illness, and about 10 per cent of patients will suicide if left untreated. In that moment of emotional deregulation, they will quite often go on to self harm as a way of regulating that emotion." "Often when events occur in their lives, they have a very strong emotional response to what's going on. "If you have someone growing up in a world where their experience isn't being validated for various reasons, they'll grow up not learning how to regulate their emotions. "Really it's a combination of nature and nurture," Prof Willcox said. He said it was common for people with BPD to be more emotionally sensitive, and to have grown up in an 'invalidating' environment. They will quite often go on to self harm as a way of regulating that emotion. ![]()
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